Well it's been a while but I've been through so much lately that I didn't want to be a complete downer.
As you may have read about 2 and a half years ago I started having paralysis/stroke symptoms on my left side. For a little over 2 years I was told I had had a stroke and that it probably wasn't going to get any better. A few months ago they found out it wasn't a stroke but 2 discs in my neck that were clamping down so hard on my left side nerves that it looked to all the world like I had a stroke.

Well on April 18th I had surgery to correct the damage. They removed the discs and fused the vertebrae together. except for some lingering pain and discomfort I'm whole again. I can walk and use my left arm and hand with little to no problems. I can move my neck but it's still weak from being trapped in a neck brace for 6 weeks (I still have 2 weeks of on and off time with it).

I'm actually starting to feel like life is worth living again, it had been touch and go there for a while.

It just reminds me that no matter how far I am gone from who I was and want to be there is always hope. There is always light at the end of the journey. I see the fact that this happened so I was healing during Beltaine and my 50th birthday as a sign that better things are headed my way. 

May the bright ones, Lords and Ladies, all bless you and keep you guessing what's next. Remember it's the ride that's important not where you end up.

Well I'm the new Job. I must be being punished for something.

I had to get a CT scan of my neck to see how they want to do the surgery to remain my bad discs. On the scan it showed a spot on my Thyroid. Now I need to get scanned for THAT but I have been looking up thyroid issues and it may explain a lot of my issues that haven't been explained before. I see my doctor tomorrow to talk about it.

Blood sugar dilemma.

I'm going to a dietitian to try to get my diabetes under control. It's interesting just how little I knew about a disease I have had for so long. Well I'm now supposed to take 50 units of slow acting insulin and then measure my quick acting insulin to balance out any overages and cover what I'm about to eat.

So far it's not going well I'll see about that when lunch rolls around.

Dreams of the Bat

I'm not sure who of you might be comic fans but I had a really detailed dream about the Earth 2 comic from DC comics. In the comic the 3 wonders (Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman) sacrifice their lives to prevent Darkseid from taking Earth. In my dream there winds up being a group of young people why call themselves the Shadows of the Bat who think that Batman "survives" as a being of pure energy in the phone/internet system he created. They have no proof but they clutch their phones when in danger and feel "safe" from harm. The dream doesn't go very far or detailed after that but it's an interesting concept to start stories from. I can see a group of "robins" coming out of it that are almost like a group of well trained circus performers with a high tech edge, Batman or not.

The night when I piss myself off.

I was deep in sleep last night thinking about all the changes I need to make in my life when I realised that I was trying to talk myself out of them all because "I'm gonna be 50 and why not just let my twilight years be calm and peaceful" I realized I had been living like my life was over and AI was just waiting until death came to find me at last.
God I'm pissed at myself. 50 is not that old, and look at John who at 61 is in better shape (He just lost a ton of weight ) than I have been most of my life. So it's time for some drastic measures. I need something to remind me to look FORWARD, not back on life. I think my next Tattoo will be "Look Forward" on my inside left forearm. Something I'll see all the time and remind me until I do it naturally.

Dieting helpfulness.

I keep PDFs of the nutritional values of all the places John and I eat so I can make wise choices (not that I do anyway. I need a spanking) It's great because it allows me to actually have my iPad out. Well I found an app called Calorie King (Not Calorie Queen: a bad guy from the Legion of Super Heroes). It has all the nutritional values for all My PDFs as well as standard foods and a lot more places and even some specialty foods. It's amazing and it's free.

So having to deal with my Low sodium, low carb diet is much simpler and actually kind of fun for the tech involved.

I know I know, I need to get better with this posting thing.

On January 2nd I went back into the hospital. I started gaining a LOT of water weight that put a strain on my boy and caused my heart to go back into Afib. A week later and I was fine and now a week later than that I'm still doing well.

*** The next section may shock and offend you, please do not read if you think anything I write can change your mind about me. I have warned you all that this is about MY truth and if I hold things back how truthful am I being?***

A few months ago I convinced John that it was OK for him to play outside the marriage. I've had no sex drive for years and I know it was wearing on my oversexed hubby so I made sure he understood that I was alright with him doing it and all has been well for us both. I no longer feel guilty and he no longer feels trapped. This HAS NOT made our marriage weaker in any way. I think we're stronger and better adjusted for it. Lord and Lady know we love each other just as much if not more than before, as if that was possible.

But now I'm feeling the stirrings of my own sexuality again after so many years and find I'm a kinky SOB. I'm looking to get very deeply into the leather scene and some Master/slave, B&D scenes. I promised John if I started wanting sex again it would be with him but he wants nothing to do with the kind of sex I want, so here I am trolling leather websites for hookups, John knowing full well what I'm doing just as He trolls Bear websites. It's a strange and wonderful marriage I have and My love for my man will never fade.

So, This Monday a Master from Gaithersburg, MD wants to meet me and I'm very tempted to go but the distance is off putting. almost 3 hours there and 3 back again. That's going to be exhausting to me. Let alone if we have a play date..

Then next month I have been invited to a play party in Raleigh, NC where I'll be spending the long holiday weekend most likely naked and tied up.

I really need to find closer Kink friends.