The night when I piss myself off.

I was deep in sleep last night thinking about all the changes I need to make in my life when I realised that I was trying to talk myself out of them all because "I'm gonna be 50 and why not just let my twilight years be calm and peaceful" I realized I had been living like my life was over and AI was just waiting until death came to find me at last.
God I'm pissed at myself. 50 is not that old, and look at John who at 61 is in better shape (He just lost a ton of weight ) than I have been most of my life. So it's time for some drastic measures. I need something to remind me to look FORWARD, not back on life. I think my next Tattoo will be "Look Forward" on my inside left forearm. Something I'll see all the time and remind me until I do it naturally.

What's up with the bear right now.

I decided recently that I'm needing to change my life if I'm ever going to survive my health conditions. My Congestive Heath Failure has been acting up for weeks now making it just a bit harder to breath and sapping me of what little endurance I have. The reason it's acting up is I have nothing to do but sit on my ass all day and surf the web or play games. So i'm making changes starting with getting out of the house more. to do that I'm picking up some of my wants and desires that I have not allowed myself to explore with any gusto.
One is the fact that I'm a nudist but have not been to any nude events in ages. So over the weekend i met up with the Philadelphia Radical faeries ( a gay men's social/pagan group) and went naked with them for a while. and that just spurred me on so I joined www.truenudists.com and I'm meeting some really wonderful people there. Now don't worry i'm not going to be flashing my flesh on this site so you can all open your eyes now you bitches. This will get me out of the house and active with people doing something fun and different. 
it's also something I can do anywhere should we get the position in Phoenix. 


I'm also looking into learning more Native American medicine. While I'm not genetically an Indian I have a deep draw to their ways and cultures. Being Two-spirit as they call gay people, i'm very drawn to that particular magic and want to understand it better so I may be of use to my community as I have always know I would be.

I'm gonna lose what little mind I have left.

Waiting to hear if John got the job is making me so irritable and aggravating my insomnia, I'm at my whits end. Come on Phoenix I really need a new start and a place to do some magical work. We're looking at a house with 6 bedrooms so I'll be able to turn one into a work space.