The night when I piss myself off.

I was deep in sleep last night thinking about all the changes I need to make in my life when I realised that I was trying to talk myself out of them all because "I'm gonna be 50 and why not just let my twilight years be calm and peaceful" I realized I had been living like my life was over and AI was just waiting until death came to find me at last.
God I'm pissed at myself. 50 is not that old, and look at John who at 61 is in better shape (He just lost a ton of weight ) than I have been most of my life. So it's time for some drastic measures. I need something to remind me to look FORWARD, not back on life. I think my next Tattoo will be "Look Forward" on my inside left forearm. Something I'll see all the time and remind me until I do it naturally.

Dieting helpfulness.

I keep PDFs of the nutritional values of all the places John and I eat so I can make wise choices (not that I do anyway. I need a spanking) It's great because it allows me to actually have my iPad out. Well I found an app called Calorie King (Not Calorie Queen: a bad guy from the Legion of Super Heroes). It has all the nutritional values for all My PDFs as well as standard foods and a lot more places and even some specialty foods. It's amazing and it's free.

So having to deal with my Low sodium, low carb diet is much simpler and actually kind of fun for the tech involved.

I know I know, I need to get better with this posting thing.

On January 2nd I went back into the hospital. I started gaining a LOT of water weight that put a strain on my boy and caused my heart to go back into Afib. A week later and I was fine and now a week later than that I'm still doing well.

*** The next section may shock and offend you, please do not read if you think anything I write can change your mind about me. I have warned you all that this is about MY truth and if I hold things back how truthful am I being?***

A few months ago I convinced John that it was OK for him to play outside the marriage. I've had no sex drive for years and I know it was wearing on my oversexed hubby so I made sure he understood that I was alright with him doing it and all has been well for us both. I no longer feel guilty and he no longer feels trapped. This HAS NOT made our marriage weaker in any way. I think we're stronger and better adjusted for it. Lord and Lady know we love each other just as much if not more than before, as if that was possible.

But now I'm feeling the stirrings of my own sexuality again after so many years and find I'm a kinky SOB. I'm looking to get very deeply into the leather scene and some Master/slave, B&D scenes. I promised John if I started wanting sex again it would be with him but he wants nothing to do with the kind of sex I want, so here I am trolling leather websites for hookups, John knowing full well what I'm doing just as He trolls Bear websites. It's a strange and wonderful marriage I have and My love for my man will never fade.

So, This Monday a Master from Gaithersburg, MD wants to meet me and I'm very tempted to go but the distance is off putting. almost 3 hours there and 3 back again. That's going to be exhausting to me. Let alone if we have a play date..

Then next month I have been invited to a play party in Raleigh, NC where I'll be spending the long holiday weekend most likely naked and tied up.

I really need to find closer Kink friends.

Conspiracy Theories.

I'm more and more becoming convinced that all the circumstantial and physical evidence shows that there has been at least one major world spanning culture in our distant past. If you want to call it Atlantis or Mu/Lumoria feel free but it was there.

We're all still here.

Everyone seems convinced that the Maya said the world would end yesterday. Obviously it hasn't but it's not true that they said the planet would end. They said the "world as we know it would end" that seems to be true. The political landscape all over the world is in upheaval and people are becoming more adept at global communication and thinking on a global level.
I'm excited by all of this but I also know it's only the beginning of a process that may take hundreds of years to bring to fruition.

Latest Dreams

Dreams:

 I had a dream a few weeks ago.

 I was young, maybe in my early teens, and I was walking through a housing complex with trees that had lost all their leaves and there was snow everywhere, not a storm, just light snow falling. I was discussing how trees were worthy of protections just like all other life forms with two teenage girls. The first girl was Native American (Peruvian or some other South American tribe) and a Girl who looked to be a Celtic maiden with red hair and fair skin.

Eventually we walked to a forest and the red haired girl asked if I wanted to understand the glamour and enchanting medicine of Brother Fox. I said sure, and we changed into Fox/human hybrids and ran happily through the woods on all fours. I woke up still feeling like I was with her in the woods and it took a few minutes to balance myself.

Last night I dreamt that I was sent to jail (I'm not sure why) and because I did everything they asked and was so nice to everyone the people who run the jail allowed me to walk around in cell blocks I was not in. At one point I was told I needed to go into solitary confinement and I did so willingly but I somehow got displaced from the guard and was wandering around looking for her. I noticed there was a fire in the building and alerted the guards. We were all ushered out into a court yard (now that I think about it we may have been under the tree from the Fabulous Mr. Fox) and watched the place burn.

The fire was put out and it was found to be the computer room that was burning. I went back into the building and walked into the cell of an old friend (in real life) named Balthazar.

He was selling gemstone jewelry out of his cell and they were all at ridiculous prices. He also had a ton of candles burning and I could tell they were spells of some sort. I told him  that I had come to understand working with/for him at the Gypsy Camp was what caused much of my bad luck over the years (I do not feel this in real life, my mistakes are my own) I looked at the price tag and they all had a price in dollars and an additional + number. I asked him if that was the payment on my soul for every purchase, every thing we ever did together and I woke up.

I'm not sure what that all means, I'm not blaming B for anything. He's been in jail for many years and may be dead by now as he was in ill health at that time. He did symbolize the essence of the modern wizard to me and maybe it's a warning to not become him, as if that were going to happen.

It's been forever.

Hi Guys, Gals and everyone in the mix,
I've gotten over my depression for the most part and am on the road to recovery. The good news is that I NEVER had a stroke. After nearly a year of living in uncertainty of what my condition was I found out who the doctor who was overseeing my care at the hospital when I was originally brought in for the "stroke" and he said that I never actually had one but they couldn't see any reason for the damage. H ordered an MRI of my neck and found out what is happening is I have such damage to my vertebrae in my neck (and most likely all of my back) that there are areas where my spinal fluid is being pushed away from my spinal cord. This is what is causing my pain and other symptoms. The doctor seems pretty sure that surgery can help me but they have to run a lot more MRIs and x-rays to make sure of all of the damaged areas. I consider that good news. Now I know what I'm dealing with, and that there is hope.

John is doing very well. He has been dieting and has lost 30 some odd pounds and is cutting out many of his diabetes drugs. He started a new job at a radio station that he was told would be news radio but has turned out to be Republican Pundits' galore. He is not happy with the stuff they play but he loves the job other than that and they love him.

All of our "fur children" are fine.