How crazy is life among the "straights".

A friend (who will remain nameless) contacted me last night to talk. She told me that her husband of 21 years needs to go. It appears that long before they met he had come to the realization that he was a woman trapped in a man's body. He of course never told HER that. She has come to understand what's going on with him and after giving him 2 kids she has had enough of this loveless relationship.
Things he does are really disturbing to her, He supposedly doesn't want to have a sex change but he shaves his pits and grows his hair as long as he can and it's freaking her out. He tells her he's repulsed by her body and she feels the same about his. She is miserable and severely depressed feeling like she has no choices in her life.

She turned to her pastor for help and comfort, they started a relationship where even the pastor took advantage of her (evil bastard, i'll be dealing with that myself if I find out who he is).
I feel so bad for her and will do whatever i can to help out but I'm not sure how much I can do.
I advised her to contact a lawyer and start divorce proceedings as well as contact a womens' shelter and see what they have to say.

My heart really goes out to her.

It's a small small pagan world.

Last night John and I went to our friends Bob and Karen's party. Every time we go to one of their parties I bump into an old friend that I haven't seen in years so it's always fun for me.
Last night was a doozie though. I met a woman who knows Annabelle and many others I haven't seen in ages and she's giving them my information. I hope that I can re-establish contact as I really miss these people.

On the other hand... These are the same people who betrayed me when I needed my friends the most, do they deserve my love and devotion?

To top the night off one of the partiers who I don't know recognized me from our website! He told me a friend of his was raving about a reading I did for her and had him look me up on the web a while ago. he recognized me from my photo and it was cool and a bit weird at the same time.

I'm adding a special extra Spirituality post today.

I actually wrote this up a few years ago for a group I was facilitating on Magical thought.

I do a lot of work with Totemic spirits. I first met Bear when I went to a sun wheel in New York state back in 1984.

My shamanic teacher and two friends came with me to this weekend Native American festival and we were camping during it.

At the beginning of the festival I had realized I forgot my money and only ad a few dollars in my pocket (Thankfully meals and such were provided.). I was feeling a bit foolish but since I didn’t need for food or anything else I decided to buy myself a quartz crystal. I bought a small shard and it hummed lovingly in my hand. I knew this would be a wonderful time.

We started the festival a few minutes later with a circle of us holding hands and chanting around the Medicine wheel. As we started to channel the energy from one to another I went dead inside and got the feeling I was not wanted there.

I panicked and joined the hands of the two people I was holding hands with and ran into the woods crying. I was probably about a quarter mile away from the fest when I stopped and sat down on a log in the woods.

I took the crystal I had just purchased and said to the Great Spirit “If I’m supposed to be here and this is my path show me! I need a sign!”

I went quiet inside all of a sudden and walked back to the “Taj Mahal” (The tent my friend Eric and I were using was something like a 12 man tent. It was huge and the people around us named it the Taj.)

I lay back on my sleeping bag and listened to the sounds around me. Then it got surreal…

I was looking over to where I could see the shadows of people passing by on the side of the tent when I saw her/him there was a huge golden glowing bear image. I could see right through it but it was there none the less. As I sat there unable to believe what was happening I heard Annabelle (My teacher) and Shelly walking past the tent. I said aloud “Annabelle! Could you look in here please?”

She popped her head in and looked directly at where I was looking and said “Joe This is between the two of you. Just remember what I’ve told you about spirits.” And she shut the tent flap and walked away FAST!

Knowing that this was my destiny I got on my knees (the tent was still to low to stand in for my 6’2” frame and crawled over to the bear. He/she opened it’s arms and we melted into one another. From that moment in my life I have always known I was to be a healer and walk the path of BEAR.

And yes this is the true story with no deviations.

My 20’s or How did my life get so wonderful and so crappy all at the same time?

After high school I drifted, I was severely depressed, Mom was dying from cancer, we had no money for me to go to college even if I had the test scores, and worst of all, the D&D group had broken up leaving me with no life whatsoever. Eric was dating a chic named Sheila so I became a 3^rd wheel and I was inwardly starting to want to suck a cock for the first time. I still couldn’t get myself to say the gay word to myself. I was frustrated and needed something to distract me.

Enter an old school friend Shelly. She had gotten involved with a group of gamers that was connected with Temple University’s Ambler campus. Called the Adventurers of Ambler they were just what I needed. I instantly developed a crush on the gang’s main instigator named Jim. Eric and I were invited to a party thrown at one of the members houses and the first thing that happened as I walked through the door was Jim planting a big wet drunk off his ass kiss on me. I honestly thought I would pass out right then and there. At the party I wound up dancing with this beautiful woman and (I think) we made out a little but the night is very blurry to me now.

The A of A was the best group of people I could ever have hoped to meet. I still love many of them with all my heart and soul. Barb, Tom, Bob, Jay, there are a lot of people. I placed myself as a sort of yenta setting up members and helping others with their relationships. I figured it was the closest I would ever get to having a relationship of my own, I should have known I wasn’t fooling anyone when Kurt came to me one day and slyly said, “You know Joe it’s strange, they say 10% of people are gay and yet there seem to not be any in the A of A.” I should point out before I tell you what I answered that Kurt pressed so many of my buttons and all in good ways, Tall furry, bearded, yum! Anyway, I said to him “Yeah it’s weird” and left it at that. I really wanted to ask him if he was coming out to me but I was too chicken.

During this time Annabelle and I started working as Tarot readers at the Pennsylvania Ren faire. One year (1985) was the strangest n record for me. My sexuality was driving me crazy. I needed actual physical contact with some one. All of my friends were seeing people and I was so lonely I just couldn’t stand it any more. I had to come out of the closet. I called Annabelle, Eric, Tom and Barb and asked them to meet me at Barb’s house. I told them I had something to tell them. We all got together and after a lot of hemming and hawing I came out to them. I expected them to disown me, after all that what I heard would happen from movies like Boys in the Band and such. They all were very supportive and told me they all knew for a long time and wondered when I was going to figure it out. (They actually called each other after I had called them and figured what I was going to tell them ahead of time the bitches.)

Enter the newly out Joe Leven, not much different than the ‘straight’ one but relieved and happier than before. Trust me when my friends can tell you the closet door shattered on my way out. Of course the very first thing to happen to me was a woman fell in love with me. Mary worked at the faire and had developed a crush on me before I had come out. At the same time a really hot guy from New York named Marc started hanging around my stall and flirting with me. He just made me melt and the attention he lavished on me was needed at the time. Nothing happened between us that year during faire but after faire had closed down we met and I’ll not go into details as my family may be reading this but I lost my virginity with a male. (Once again I cannot use the term man with marc, he was an asshole as you are about to see). The relationship, if it’s what it can be called was one sided, I did everything and Marc just took. It was a massive disaster leaving me hating myself and all people. It also made me want to hurt someone, to USE someone, and there was poor smitten Mary. Now I never intended to hurt anyone. I just needed to feel loved by someone and Mary wanted to love me.

I should have known, my gut had told me to stay away from her from the first time I met her, but I was stupid and hurt from Marc, so Mary and I went on a date. That date became one of the worst nights of my young life as she decided at the end of it that we were going to get married. She wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Mary and I lived together for 6 months, in that time she was able to destroy my relationship with my Mom and many of my friends, she did this knowingly. I was caught up in a nightmare and not even Eric seemed to see it. I was so depressed that all I did was sleep and work, literally. Eventually Mary made the mistake of physically hurting a friend of mine to keep her away from me and I exploded. In the middle of a crowd I told her the wedding was off and I was leaving her. She accused me of sleeping with a male friend of mine and that was that. I lost many of my friends including Annabelle who had wanted me to marry Mary. I moved back home to my family with my pride and tail between my legs but just in time to be there for my mother’s passing. Yup, 26 was a bad year for me.

Years later I found out from a mutual friend that Mary, Annabelle, Tom and some other friend of Mary’s tried to curse me using black magic. Mary’s mom died that night out of nowhere.

After Mom passed I decided to try the Sterling Forest Faire for a summer and met Mike, Mike who it turned out wanted to use me to get in good with a family I was friends with at that faire because he was apparently a member of NAMBLA and wanted their preteen boys. Yes I had lousy taste in men. That was the end of my relationship attempts until I turned 30.

One very cool thing that happened during my 20’s was Jeff. He was a kid who had gotten involved with one of the games I played in at Lehigh University. One day one of the players made a really bad homophobic statement and I countered with coming out to those people who didn’t know already. Jeff looked thunder struck and asked me to come outside the room for a minute. He then at the tender are of 13 told me he was gay and wanted to thank me for coming out and standing up to the asshole. I became his mentor in many ways and even his mother liked that that he had a strong male role model as his dad had died a few years prior. Jeff was like my son and I love him dearly even though like all parents he can’t be bothered with me now that he’s an adult.

Ok next up is Moving to Philly, Jim and Meeting the love of all my life John.

School Days, school days, how I hated you.

I’m not really sure how often I should post so I’m winging it for now, but on with the School years.

My sister Cathy was a hellion (but always for a just cause) and my sister Jean was the good girl. Me? I was really only thought of as the school punching bag or the “weird” kid.

From an early age I was the kid that was picked on at school. Every day was bad and some days were worse than that. I honestly thought I was cursed. The near daily torture from the seemingly endless school bullies at least made me aware of just how different I was compared to everyone around me. I couldn’t turn my back on others, some would see that as a weakness but it was strength for me. I always knew I was a part of something greater when I helped others.

As for the whole gay issue, I think I was 8 or 9 when I started to feel “different”. I went through puberty really early having started at age 10 and really getting my secondary characteristics at 12. It made me a target because I looked much older than I was. Heck I was shaving at 13 and started going bald at 14. I however am digressing from the “Gay” issue.

A few months before my dad died I had started getting these feeling for other boys. There was a kid named Michael in my class that I absolutely adored but he was a jock and never spoke to me, but he at least never hit me or called me names so that was enough. He was the first in a line of guys I would infatuate over without thinking of sex as a component. I have never been an overly sexual being, emotion and spiritual bonding is what makes a relationship for me not sex, so I would throw myself into friendships with guys as a way to be with them.

I was 13 when I met the most influential male in my life up until I met my husband John. I was a huge comic book geek (still am) as a kid and my mother knowing I had no friends worried I would turn out even more odd than I already was so one night at her single parents meeting she asked the group what to do. One of the other mothers who was recently divorced said she had the same problem with her son and they decided to introduce us. That act of kinship between concerned mothers is probably the reason I never committed suicide.

Enter into my life Eric, my brother from another mother, and in many ways my first true love. Just the simple act of having someone I could talk to was enough to keep me from going over the edge. As kids we were inseparable, talking on the phone for hours, together every chance we could be. Eric unfortunately went to a different school and lived a distance away so it was hard to get to see him as much as we wanted to so the phone was our lifeline. I think because I had him in my life and my own reduced sexual urges I didn’t feel the need to be with anyone sexually for a long time. In fact I was 17 before I really started the need for sexual release and that was with a girl.

Around age 16 I started to feel attracted to women, which was a relief as I was beginning to think I might be gay. I had a massive crush on my gym teacher (a tall muscular blond bear of a man) and when I started “dating” Debbie I thought well maybe I’m not as screwed up as I thought until a group of us were all at a friends place and we were playing strip poker. The guy one of my friends was seeing had lost everything and was sitting across from me naked. I couldn’t take my eyes off his cock. I think everyone noticed, and I was mortified. I broke things off with Debbie and decided living as a hermit may be my only option. My Grandmother was worried I would turn out “funny” because I had no strong male presence in my life so she kept pushing my uncles Jack and Richard on me. Uncle Dick is a Catholic brother and a great guy, he is also exactly what I look for in a man. Spiritual, sensitive, furry, he is the whole package and while he is adopted he’s still my uncle and so off limits even if he were gay, so I had some very interesting emotional rollercoaster rides when we were together. My Uncle Jack was going through his own physical issues with a run of cancers so I didn’t want to burden him with my problems, besides he would have given me a “god loves you come back to the church” talk and I would never do that.

When I was 16 Eric and I found Dungeons and Dragons and a group had formed at my school. Thus entered my second love, Gaming! Between Eric and D&D my school years passed and I survived without doing harm to myself or others, although many, many, Orcs did see a brutal end. It would be 8 years from my first sexual encounter with a woman until I met Marc and had my first sexual connection with a male. I would like to say ‘Man” but Marc hadn’t lived up to that word.