Home again, home again jiggity jig!

Gods that was an awful experience. I'm still dealing with the after effects of the stroke (that's what we're calling it) but i'm already about 80% healed. I'm sure it's this last 20% that will be the bitch. John is killing himself trying to balance the dogs, work, me and more work and it's killing him. I feel so bad but I can't even go up and down stairs without help so walking the dogs is out of the question.

The reason i'm home so early is that i nearly had another heart attack while under the "care" of Manor Care and had to be rushed to the hospital. While there I insisted they re-evaluate me and they decided I could go home with out-patient therapy. Being home is stressful in it's own way but I can deal with all that.

Tomorrow It's back to more frequent posting and the tale of my very first date.

Help! I can't take this anymore.

I miss my husband John Arndt desperatly, when he leaves my soul leaves with him and the depression sets in. I think I will recover faster at home at this point knowing the people I love can come to me that includes my dogs and cats. I'm all alone here and it makes my heart ache.
I know you all love me but well wishes are just not enough to keep me sane at this point.

This place I'm at is terrible at night the nurses are just evil and I guess because I "look" healthy they think I'm self sufficient. But I'm not. I am getting better but I'm no where near healthy or capable of much physically, he'll the one good strong arm I have has started hurt so bad from over use that I need pain meds to sleep at night.

If I can't go home soon I don't know what I'll do.

It's been a while

My Health issues continue. A few weeks ago I started showing signs of having a stroke. My left side became weak and useless, my speech started to slur and I couldn't walk. John took me to the hospital where I was getting worse, after a CT scan and an MRI they had decided I had no stroke damage and they think my symptoms are insulin based. It seems I was taking too much insulin but it wasn't showing on a daily basis, it was a slow build up that caused nerve damage that mimicked a stroke.

I'm in a rehab hospital now learning how to walk (at the moment I need a walker) my left arm has regained mobility but not fine motor control. My speech comes and goes I'm understandable but I sometimes have to think hard to make my self understood. I will probably be here a few more weeks for physical and occupational therapy I might be out before Yule.
I'm trying to remain positive but no one knows how much use I'll get from my left side and I'm worried that I'll be a huge burden on John, he already is burning the candle at both ends with the animals and visiting me, sometimes I'm more worried for him than for me.

I'm still alive.

3 weeks ago I had a life altering experience... I had a heart attack.
It was minor and they didn't even feel a need to put a stint in my artery but it shows how bad my heart is.
It was always rumored that heart disease ran in my father's side of the family. Granddad died from a heart issue (i'm not sure what) and I think my dad had heart problems but that's not how he died so I'm not sure.
What I do know is back in the 1990's I was diagnosed with Cardiomegaly, an enlarged heart. What they didn't explain to me at the time is it's almost impossible to have it at my young age. It wasn't until this heart attack that the doctors told me it's probably a genetic abnormality so thanks again family, our freaking mutant genes screw me again.
Recovery has been normal I guess but I have a cold that just won't go away and it makes me miserable.

John and I now have iPhone 4s' and we love them. Siri is a hoot. I asked her to open the pod bay doors and she told me she couldn't do that. *giggle*.

CccCCcHanges...

Well it's been a whirlwind few weeks. I started taking back my life. I'm looking into trading Reiki lessons for lessons in other forms of energy work. John and I have decided to get back to work on the house. We took the back room on the 3rd floor (John had cleaned it up and insulated it years ago) and have turned that into the master bedroom for now We're back to sleeping in the same bed after years, because we bought a mattress we both are comfortable on. Our his and his Cpap machines are so cute together.

We went on vacation to the timeshare in Provincetown MA and had a very nice time. I'll post the whale watching pics as soon as John gets them uploaded.

Today I also made a big decision.... Weight watchers. I'm 6'2" and weigh 312 pounds. My eventual goal weight is between 195 to 155 pounds. (I don't think I've ever been 155 in my life so I'll try for the more bearish 195. My waist is 46" I'm hoping to get down to a 38 maybe? I just want to look good in assless chaps. *wink*

Phoenix Update... The last one.

Well after keeping us on ice for MONTHS they went with someone else and John didn't get the job. I'm just relieved to know the waiting is over.
Now we need to get this house rebuild. I can't live here like this much longer.

My father saved me last night (sort of)

Last night I was sound asleep and that's a rarity for me. The hurricane had passed by with little damage but lots of drama and I found it hard to sleep until last night.

I was in bed in my dream and dad appeared and was yelling to me. I couldn't make it out at first but he was yelling for me to wake up move. I took his advice as he almost never meets with me in dreams. I woke up and sat up to check my email and not 5 minutes later a chunk of the ceiling plaster crashed down onto my pillows and headboard. The chunk was 10" x 6" and may have weighted a half pound so it probably wouldn't have killed me but I could have been hurt by it. So Thank you Daddy I miss you more than you could ever know.

 

The hazards of being a spiritual gay nudist

I don't think I've ever really touched on this before but In my quest for personal truth I should let you all know I'm a closet nudist... Or I was one up until I typed those words.
Being naked has always been a priority fore me at home. Even as a kid I hardly ever wore clothing around the house preferring to stay in my bedroom where i had the privacy to be nude while I read or played BY myself (I had to make sure the pervs in the audience, and you know who you are, didn't think I was playing WITH myself) my parents never spoke to me about it and so I assumed it was OK with them. In my teens I got more daring coming out of the room wrapped in a sheet and my underwear or a jockstrap. It was the only way I was comfortable and I would even have friends over dressed only in the sheet and undies. No one ever said a word to me so I kept on doing my thing.
Once I moved out of my families house I was going naked most of the time only putting on clothing when company came over. Mary seemed annoyed with it (but she was annoyed with everything I did so... whatever). John is a closet nudist as well. We used to go to the nude beech at Sandy Hook NJ but never get there anymore because boarding the dogs for a day is too expensive, An internet friend who's also a nudist has offered to let us keep the dogs in his fenced in yard for the day but John won't hear of it. I'm beginning to suspect that John doesn't want to make new friends and especially not anyone I'm interested in meeting. But that's not the topic of this post.

The topic of the post is the Hazards of being a Spiritual gay nudist. The main issue I'm having is sex drive over spiritual drive.  and what is appropriate to say to people. Just looking at the profiles of nudists you get the impression that they are all thin beautiful men with ENORMOUS dicks. honestly where do they get them? 'Cause I want to place my order ASAP. Anyhow... I look at these pictures and many say they are Bi or Bi-curious (and as any gay man will tell you from experience that means they have their legs in the air faster than a speeding bullet, Even the 'straight' ones are (To use a friend's term) Hetroflexable. So I like an infant to the wolves start friending guys that seem to have a spiritual bend but I'm so distracted by the beautiful bodies I start to devolve to my basest instincts and tell them how fantastic their dicks are. But I'm NOT here to pick up strangers damn it! i would love to find a spiritual nudist group to be a part of but until I get a leash on my baser drives I'm gonna have to take it slow (and deep).
God damn it!

PS: Still no word from Phoenix. I would just write it off but there's so much this move would fix about our present living conditions that I can't just abandon the dream.

What's up with the bear right now.

I decided recently that I'm needing to change my life if I'm ever going to survive my health conditions. My Congestive Heath Failure has been acting up for weeks now making it just a bit harder to breath and sapping me of what little endurance I have. The reason it's acting up is I have nothing to do but sit on my ass all day and surf the web or play games. So i'm making changes starting with getting out of the house more. to do that I'm picking up some of my wants and desires that I have not allowed myself to explore with any gusto.
One is the fact that I'm a nudist but have not been to any nude events in ages. So over the weekend i met up with the Philadelphia Radical faeries ( a gay men's social/pagan group) and went naked with them for a while. and that just spurred me on so I joined www.truenudists.com and I'm meeting some really wonderful people there. Now don't worry i'm not going to be flashing my flesh on this site so you can all open your eyes now you bitches. This will get me out of the house and active with people doing something fun and different. 
it's also something I can do anywhere should we get the position in Phoenix. 


I'm also looking into learning more Native American medicine. While I'm not genetically an Indian I have a deep draw to their ways and cultures. Being Two-spirit as they call gay people, i'm very drawn to that particular magic and want to understand it better so I may be of use to my community as I have always know I would be.

Still no word.

I'm developing an ulcer waiting on the college to make the call one way or the other. John claims he's not worried but he is experiencing huge back pain that I'm sure is coming from tension and stress.

as always I'll let you all know what's going on with the possible move to Phoenix but I have more to post today but it will have to be later.

L&L,
Grimm

I'm everywhere, I'm everywhere!

I think i forgot to mention i'm on Google + and Facebook. Just look up Joseph Leven.
I'm on Bruizr under Grimmbear (where I've been a very bad boy)

Chicken Man!

I'm gonna lose what little mind I have left.

Waiting to hear if John got the job is making me so irritable and aggravating my insomnia, I'm at my whits end. Come on Phoenix I really need a new start and a place to do some magical work. We're looking at a house with 6 bedrooms so I'll be able to turn one into a work space.

John's Phoenix update

Well John had his in-person interview on Tuesday and he thinks it went very well. There were only 2 people that they were interviewing for the position so they say the choice should be made in a week or so.

The Audacity of the stupid.

This woman feels like she was forced to leave her position as a court clerk because she didn't want to validate same sex marriage in NY. What an idiot. No one forced her to do anything but her fucking job. If her religious views prevent her from doing her job it's the religion at fault.

How crazy is life among the "straights".

A friend (who will remain nameless) contacted me last night to talk. She told me that her husband of 21 years needs to go. It appears that long before they met he had come to the realization that he was a woman trapped in a man's body. He of course never told HER that. She has come to understand what's going on with him and after giving him 2 kids she has had enough of this loveless relationship.
Things he does are really disturbing to her, He supposedly doesn't want to have a sex change but he shaves his pits and grows his hair as long as he can and it's freaking her out. He tells her he's repulsed by her body and she feels the same about his. She is miserable and severely depressed feeling like she has no choices in her life.

She turned to her pastor for help and comfort, they started a relationship where even the pastor took advantage of her (evil bastard, i'll be dealing with that myself if I find out who he is).
I feel so bad for her and will do whatever i can to help out but I'm not sure how much I can do.
I advised her to contact a lawyer and start divorce proceedings as well as contact a womens' shelter and see what they have to say.

My heart really goes out to her.

Rest in Peace sweet kitty.

We had to put down our 15 year old cat today.
Bumster was just a few weeks past weened when John and I went to my sister's house for christmas dinner. Her cat Rebecca had had a litter of kittens (calicos) and This one kitten refused to come to anyone. The moment John entered the house the kitten took to him and refused to leave his lap. Cathy said we should take her as this was the only time she ever payed any attention to a human. Calico cats are known for being 1 person cats and she was John's heart and soul, and the feeling was very mutual.
15 years later she had outlived all of our original animals but for the last few weeks she had been acting strangely and loosing weight.  We took her to the vet today to learn she had become diabetic and that the damage to her system was very advanced. John the Vet and I decided it was too much for the old girl to go through all the trauma to try to reverse the damage when she probably would not be strong enough to deal with it so the decision was made. She went peacefully and John and I cried our eyes out (to be repeated i'm sure many times in the next few weeks). In a way I'm glad as she would not have handled a move well. She never did like to travel.

Damn you Steve Jobs!

John has been hinting about me getting a Tablet PC (read iPad 2) for a few weeks now, and he of course didn't want to just TELL me to get the iPad 2. He "left it up to me" to choose (what iPad 2 color) what kind of tablet I wanted. Every time I told him I wasn't really interested in the iPad he would get dejected and poo poo my choice (the Asus EEE tablet Transformer) even though he would admit it was a "very close second to the iPad2"

Well we went and got me an iPad 2 (anyway) and i'm actually loving it. it's not the most powerful at only 16gig and only wifi connected. but I'm honestly really liking it. It's all the things in an iPahone that I like but in a size I can honestly use without wanting to cut my hands off and having a smaller set sewn on. I have HUGE hands. My glove size is 3x, so little buttons are a pain in my ass.

my only problem now is that I have to say "Thank You" to Steve Jobs, a man who's business practices I am not all that comfortable with. But everyone is happy, John has an iPad he can use whenever he wants and I get a tablet I have been wanting for a while. I have all my D&D books on it and a dice roller so I'm all set for gaming should I decide to get back into it. (I REALLLY want to get back into table top gaming!!!!!)

News on housing... John has been looking at properties in the Phoenix area and he found a house that is selling in the $40,000 range. This same house was going for $250,000 only 2 years ago, that how bad the market is in AZ. I really hope we get this job.

I'm thinking I should learn Spanish.

The "Dear Penthouse, you're never gonna believe this" post.

As a gay man it sometimes happens that out of the blue there will be offers to do the 'nasty'. Many times these opportunities are strange and or down right freaky. These are not in order and I have left out any names to protect the (very very) guilty.

1) I was walking down the street here in Philly, John and I had just moved in maybe 3 months ago, and a black guy I had never seen before pulls up next to me in this beaten up hoopty of a car and calls me over to his car. I like a good Samaritan oblige and he says to me with his smile that could make Ray Charles wince.... "Hey are you the new gay guy?" I said yes as I had no reason not to be truthful. He then starts rubbing his admittedly ample crotch and asked me for a blowjob. I looked at him like either he or I had just lost our minds and said. "Even if I wanted to,  that was the lamest pick up line in the world. Fuck off before I start yelling about how you want a guy to blow you!" Needless to say he left in a hurry.

2) We were living in Reading and it was Christmas time. There was a new postman picking up packages and he must have seen John and I at the house a time or two and then began asking the neighbors questions about us. I of course had no idea this was going on until one day this kind of cute stocky mailman comes to our door and introduces himself. He makes a joke about seeing our gay pride flag and then says he's been watching me and wants to "have some fun" He then gets down on his knees in the freaking vestibule and tries to blow me where the neighbors can see. Needless to say I stopped that.

3) Working at the porn stores makes you an easy target. I can't even remember all the guys (and a few women/or were they)  who tried to pick me up. Most never stood a chance even if I had met them away from the store.

4) Working at the Ren Faire also seems to bring out the experimentation in guys. I used to have a rainbow flag on my readings sign and it was supposed to let LGBT people know I was safe to go to with personal questions but it also made me a target for horny guys. There was this one guy, really cute but married with a ton of kids who asked for a reading and while I was holding his hands (I read while in physical contact most of the time) he started doing the finger stroke on my palm. he then whispered he wanted a more private reading. As I was single at the time he got one, in my tent with the faire going on around us. I was a huge slut back then. The SCA has this effect as well.

There have been many others but these were the ones that stick out except for the hot bear why sucked me off in the middle of the faire with my cloak wrapped around us. I looked to all the world like I was just standing bundled in my thick cloak but his feel were hidden by some shelves covered in pottery.

I got the news today Oh boy!

John and I decided to eat at Sonic tonight. The only Sonic is near us is only a mile away from my sister Jean's house. This is the same house I grew up in, Jean and Cathy got the house when Mom passed well Jean told us tonight that She is loosing the house.
She never told me she was in such dire straights (Not that there would be thing one I could do to help her). It seems that during the winter the oil tank cracked and the heating oil would leak out and each time she needed to refill it it was about a grand. That and the fact that she's been struggling with debt from my nephew Michael and all his medical needs she just can't keep up with it. She said their last day will be the 15th of this month so I may have just been to my family home for the very last time.
I would have thought I would be more upset or angry about this but all I really have in a sense of relief. It's like an anchor of time has been lifted and we can all move on with our lives now. Jean is moving into a very nice apartment and it's all new everything. The house has been falling apart around her all this time to the point John and I kind of felt bad going there knowing we couldn't help her out ourselves.
But this seems like the point in time for change for the Leven family. Jean is moving and thew old house will be brought down and a new home will be built on it's site, I can only hope that the house is as filled with love as ours was. Now with John and I hopefully moving to Phoenix and Cathy doing her own thing without being able to hold anything over Jeanie maybe we cal all move on and up with our lives.

 

Round 2 is up to bat.

John had the College call him (where the radio station is overseen in Phoenix) and instead of doing any more phone interviews they scheduled him to fly out and do a face to face on July 19th. We both see this as a very good thing, I'm so excited for him and for myself.

I'm tenativly looking into Phoenix and the surrounding area for job prospects and possible pagan and gaming groups. I think I'll really be able to start learning more about being "Two Spirit".

The beasts.

I hardly ever post pictures but here are my pets...

This is Ginger... She's a horror and a Lady all at the same time.

Bruno.. My baby and the biggest love of all time.

I'll try to get the cats and Ferrets later today.

It's a small small pagan world.

Last night John and I went to our friends Bob and Karen's party. Every time we go to one of their parties I bump into an old friend that I haven't seen in years so it's always fun for me.
Last night was a doozie though. I met a woman who knows Annabelle and many others I haven't seen in ages and she's giving them my information. I hope that I can re-establish contact as I really miss these people.

On the other hand... These are the same people who betrayed me when I needed my friends the most, do they deserve my love and devotion?

To top the night off one of the partiers who I don't know recognized me from our website! He told me a friend of his was raving about a reading I did for her and had him look me up on the web a while ago. he recognized me from my photo and it was cool and a bit weird at the same time.

Sorry to have been away.

But there hasn't really been anything I wanted to talk about happening in my life.
I'm struggling to use the CPAP machine all night long. nothing I try makes it comfortable for me.

John had his 60th birthday last week and being out of work I couldn't get him anything to celebrate and that made me very depressed.
Right as I type this John is on the phone being interviewed by 5 people at the college he hopes to be working at in Arizona. Oh how i hope he gets the job so we can escape the black hole that Philadelphia has become for us. Not that I expect moving to create a miracle but at least it will shake us up and out of our ruts.

Oh I did start Testosterone shots a few weeks ago and man has it made a difference. Guys as you get older make sure to have Testosterone tests done so you can avoid the health problems I have had from low testosterone.

Update: John did well on his first of 3 or 4 interviews. He was told that will make a decision in about 3 weeks.

CPAP. My new sleeping companion and tormentor.

I finally received my CPAP on Monday and it's been an experience. Monday night I wore it to bed and woke up with the mask placed nicely on the unit so I can only suppose that I must have taken it off at some point as it wouldn't have fallen off onto the unit itself.
Ginger hated it at first and got barky for a while and even now gives it the "evil eye".
Last night I slept for about 3 hours with it on and woke up exhausted and in a pool of sweat. I can only think it's because I breath heavier with the mask on  and my body reacted like I was running a marathon. I decided to keep it off the rest of the night as I was feeling a bit too drained to go through that again.

So far however I haven't taken a nap yet so it must be working but I am getting tired now so I'm signing off and laying down with the unit on in case I fall asleep.

To sleep, perchance to rest... that is the question.

I've known I had sleep apnea for many years. but it's gotten really bad in the last year or so and I figured it was time to have a sleep study done. I had one on Easter Sunday night and it was awful. I couldn't sleep between all the wires attached to me and the ultra soft bed making my back ache.

They were able to get me to sleep for about 2 hours and had enough information to tell I stop breathing 90 TIMES IN A HOUR. I don't even get a full minute of sleep before choking. They will be setting me up with a CPAP machine and hopefully I'll be able to get some actual rest like I haven't had in years.

Happy 17th Anniversary John!

Today is John's and my 17th anniversary. Goddess it's been a long strange trip and I wouldn't change much, mostly just my own crap, John is about as perfect as he can be.
I'm posting this song because this is what he is in my life. He's always there for me no matter what I do or how stupid I can be. I think I'll light a candle today for all the lovers in the world and all those seeking love so that they might find one another.

All my Love and Lightning,
Grimm

Health update 4/12/11

I went to the doctors yesterday and my heart seems to be doing fine. It's fully back in rhythm and I've had not rev-ups. The Warfarin they have me on is a bit too much so I'm taking less (so I don't get a nose bleed and exsanguinate).
My weight is getting out of control though. I'm 6'2" and 312 pounds. I need to drop a good 100 lbs. I'm hoping that with the move I'll have better food choices (not having a kitchen sucks) and will drop some of this excess asap.

I'm in a transit place right now.

John has applied for a Chief Engineer's position in Arizona and I'm kind of delighted by it. I just hate the wait involved in finding out if he has the job and then it'll be a few months without him while he looks for a place down there and gets it set up for the move. It also means I'll be the one packing up everything here. (Goddess I dread the thought).
I figure if we move there it's a good thing all around. we get a new start and a better place to live and Arizona gets two democrats to help fight the douchebags in power there.

Living with pain.

We all have pain for the most part. Physical pain like back issues, stress headaches, and such keep us understanding we're alive in the worst way possible. I am developing arthritis in my hands it seems and in this cold damp weather I'm in constant pain. I guess I'll have to start seeing a Rhumatologist to see what can be done.

The good news is John has applied for a position in Arizona and i may not have to deal with the cold all that much longer.

I am insomnia's bitch.

I sleep in 2 hour spats. I may get as much a 4 hours at a time but that's rare, this has led me to get a bit narcoleptic. When John and I are driving (He's always at the wheel) I tend to drift off and I sometimes drift off watching TV. Last night I dozed off at 9pm and woke up at 1:30am I now have watched two good movies on www.hulu.com (My favorite website) One called 'Crying with Laughter' and one called "Night of the Living Dorks' extreme opposites on the entertainment spectrum and well worth the watch.

I'm hoping to get back to sleep eventually i hope it's while I walk the dogs. Sleep exercise sounds like a great idea.

Waking to a brand new day.

Good morning everyone!
I'm so sorry to have taken time from this blog. I've no real excuse other than I just was feeling like crap and wanted to be invisible for a while.

Onward and upward as today may be a really good day. John has a job interview (in house with the company he already works for) for a Chief Engineer's position in the Newark NJ area. If he gets it there will be a move to a new home one with a kitchen! I'll actually be able to cook and maybe get rid of all this weight I've put on in the past decade, also we would be in an area that is far enough away from Philly that I may be able to get a Medical Assistant job.

I'll be letting you all know how things go.

Love and Lightning,
Grimm

Thanks Mom!

My mother Janet Leven died over 20 years ago. Every once in a while she comes to me in dreams just to reassure me that she's doing OK. This morning I was dreaming about cleaning out RV/trailer type things when she came to me and said "Everything is going to be fine." I didn't give it too much thought as the date of her death is the 30th of this month and that's the usual time she comes to me.

This afternoon my sister Jeanie called and told me that our sister Cathy was in the hospital and had had a heart attack. I started to panic until I remembered Mom's words from this morning. So Thanks Mom, I trust Cathy will be fine.

I am everything you hate.

I am everything you hate.

Dear “Conservative Christians”, Bible thumping mad people and all others who fear and hate gay people,

My name is Joe Leven and it appears you hate me and want to see me either dead or imprisoned for whom and what I am. Yes I’m homosexual. I live with another man whom I love and cherish more than the air I breathe.

But that is nothing to fear. Honestly there is far more to me than that because I stand for all the things you fear.

I stand for Truth

I stand for Justice

I stand for Peace

I stand for Tolerance

I stand for Love in all its forms

I stand for understanding and the end to slavish dogma.

I stand for thinking for myself and not blind obedience to others.

I stand for Progress, not just for myself but for all mankind no matter who they are or                                   how they might differ from me.

I stand for everyone who is oppressed

I stand for the planet because we have used her to the point of near destruction

I stand for you, because I wish you to heal from your wounded souls and join us in the light.

You see? There you have it. The real reason my people are so hated by you is because we want you to be as happy as we are living in a world that is a living tribute to creation and not the bleak antiseptic hell you are trying to create for us all.

So the real reason you hate me is because I’m actually following in Jesus’ path and I’m not even Christian.

In all love,

Joe

Good news! I have partial employment!

I started a part time job at Danny's, Adam & Eve in Philly.
I work Monday and Tuesday mornings Midnight to 8AM and Saturdays 8 AM to 4PM.
It's a porn store and I kind of love working there so far. The money sucks but the place is mainly dead so there is very little in the way of distractions from reading.
I'll try to tell you all the fun and juicy tales when they happen.